Ink On The Skin

 Was it the first time the rod hit me? that jolt of pain wrapping around me soft skin burning black and blue with marks that said I hate you Was it your hand? the sudden pain red blooming fast like red hot flames the sting and shame the searing trace the marks you left across my face Was it the screams? that shattered me that stole my breath and mind from me each wave that crashed each quiet plea unraveled all my sanity Somehow through that I stayed alive kept on breathing learned to survive but deep inside behind my eyes I tend to think I also died

 Darkness creeps in so agonizingly slow, a tide licking at my feet. With it comes the cold, crawling up my legs, nesting deep within my bones. Bones that beg for warmth. My bed becomes my solace. Sinking into softness and the warm embrace of sleep. My thoughts begin to fade; the warmth devouring the cold. But then the fire begins. It’s crawling up my spine, clawing, gnawing, putrid hands tearing flesh from nerves, from bones. Chewing at the edges of my sanity. And then… almost… sleep almost finds me but I am not alone in this night. Another set of hands, still attached, still warm, still needy. A whisper curls into my ear, a cruel disguise of love. Let me cure your aching bones. Let me take what I am owed. Sleep will never come, only the slow unraveling in the dark, in the teeth of the night.

 My chest is tight I am suffocating There is a lump The size of your fist Cemented in my throat stop There is no fight Left in me And I am choking On long, thick tendrils That wind down my spine stop I am frozen Ice climbs up my toes Numb my brain I’m floating away Eyes fade to black stop

I wish I could go back ten years ago Trapped in endless tradition, under impossible expectations I would trade the hard swallow, and stinging hot tears, for a scream I wish I could go back fifteen years past and shove that quiet submission down your fucking throat, shake off the grip of borrowed religion, and finally scream I wish I could go back twenty seven years ago To when your hands laid claim on my body, Taking what was never yours, hollowing me into nothing and just scream I wish I could go back thirty four years ago new to this world, lungs full and unbroken, a body untouched by harm, fierce, resilient and never stop screaming